my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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