I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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