Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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