New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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