I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
