mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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