she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
