i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
