Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
