Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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