there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
