You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
