i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
