i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
