you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
