What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
