Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
