So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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