A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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