drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
