Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize