Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
