Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
