You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
