Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
