i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
