i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
