When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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