he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
