Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
