i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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