Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
