I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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