i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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