Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
