I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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