The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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