Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
