I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
