At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
