Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
