If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
