plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
