Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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