Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
