I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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