Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize