I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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