I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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