I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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