someone owes me an orgasm
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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