When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
