Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
