so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't deserve a penis
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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