Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
