I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize