I wanna bring you to show and tell
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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