i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
