She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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