Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
